You may not know it but you are in midst of a revolution. Decades fighting for equality and all it really took was a pair of tweezers to even up the sexes. Who knew that eyebrows would be the new corset? And that this straight-jacket would infect men too?
You see, men everywhere are tackling their bushes…and it isn’t just the monobrow. Take David Beckham. His brows know the pinch of a short, sharp yank – that’s for sure. And, just like women everywhere learned to be, David Beckham is artful in his deception. He has sense enough to tweeze so subtly you might think he was born that way. Hairless in all the right places. Listen up, men: that’s how it starts. Beware the ‘maybe he’s born with it’ mentality. He wasn’t born with it (well, he was actually but he’s had a very savvy threader between his brows destroying all evidence!) Next thing you know, you’ll be whistling ‘keep young and beautiful…’. Oh dear. Save yourselves. Get off our bandwagon.
If only we lived in a world sponsored by Dove…but then hair is noticeably lacking in their supposed utopia too. It seems we’re allowed to be short, round or even ever-so wrinkly. As long as we’re smoother than a freshly done back, sack and crack.
So, we wanted a world without The Hair Conspiracy: where the straggly brow wasn’t desperately hushed-up; where bikini lines were pain free and where we could admit to those few pesky hairs we’d happily flagellate ourselves for owning. Oh the shame of the sprouting chin. You know you have them.
We haven’t got that. We haven’t achieved the freedom the Pankhurst Massive were after (okay, I appreciate I’m over-simplifying but I’m going for symbolism here). Instead, we’ve got something different: we’ve spread the beauty plague. We have men who are poring over their arches – painstakingly ridding themselves of strays. There they sit, eyebrows shaped in that ‘I’m just learning’ fashion that women get over in their early teens. Admittedly, their poor brows never recover and will always grow in somewhat wonkily but, nonetheless…
Even in the North, the well-crafted man brow is not at all uncommon. Men: if Yorkshire caves, you’re done for. My advice? Keep close tabs on Emmerdale.
I suppose, in the absence of proper equality, we should at least rejoice in this crazy, pie-eyed, version of it. Men aren’t just subjecting us to a ridiculous benchmark of beauty anymore. We’re all in it together.